To Ship cc Archive. Please publish this blog post.
Hi Voyagers!
Gustav the barman here. You’re going to love this. I’ve decided to write a blog.
But Gustav, I hear you ask, what’s a blog? Well, blogging was something people did back on Earth for purposes unknown but it was very popular. Ship told me that you just talk about your life and what you’re doing that day. It showed me an example written by a young woman wearing only her underwear who was making poached eggs on toast. It received 6.2 million views from other people. Fascinating.
So here’s what I’m doing today: Fuck all. It’s my day off. Might watch TV. Any good, or do I need to cook something?
So this blog is called “The Life and Times of an Interstellar Barman”. Most people on this ship know me from my pub on Main Street, Deck 10, ‘Gustav’s’. You might know me from my new spin-off bar all the way down on Deck 1, ‘Moonshine’, where the good stuff is available to those with a healthy credit balance.
Every night I get asked the same old questions, and to be honest I get sick of answering them. I have better things to be doing. Feel free to direct them to Sheena instead. So if I’m fed up with answering questions, then why am I writing our ship’s first blog? Certainly not to make money, like they did on Earth. Not for advertising because you all come to my pub anyway.
I see myself as a public servant. The 9,000 people on Brightstar Voyager need a place to get together, hang out and let off steam. Okay, so we’ve been a bit quieter than usual but that’s to be expected at this time of year. Franco’s on Deck 7 may have attracted a few customers, but they’ll be back at Gustav’s when they find out that he’s serving fake Stratos-Beer that’s been brewed by the fucking Onion Team in the plot behind their shed.
Or so I hear…
So what goes into running the biggest and best bar this side of Saturn? A lot. Sheena runs supply, the bar, the cellar, the kitchen and the front of house. Of course, I help her lift a few barrels now and then, if I have time, but my job is running the important stuff. You might call it Strategy and New Business. I call it scheming and coercion.
Take a wedding, for example. We have the excited bride-to-be worrying about the placement of every fucking napkin, how the light captures the flowers and whether she can get to and from the bathroom without tripping on her ridiculous dress and faceplanting the wall by the faux-shrubbery. It can happen, and I’d like to assure you that we now have insurance available against injury during the wedding reception. Speak to Sheena for details.
So we have the bride, then we have whoever the partner is. Or we have a groom and whoever the partner is. All are welcome at Gustav’s. The point is that making their dreams come true is a tough job. We have to set the room up to their exacting specifications. This takes a long time and sometimes Sheena just works straight through the night just to set the tables.
Then I organise the drinks. The important part and the reason why you’re having a wedding reception in a pub. We all love Central Park and it looks great in photographs but drinking is illegal, and who wants to spend their wedding night in jail? So, for a small fee, we create Central Park outside our pub. With the angle just so, and some clever tricks with lighting (optional extra), we can recreate the Central Park experience AND you can drink our legit Stratos-Beer or some of the finest wines grown on the ship. If you want to savour the taste of a luscious red wine, made from grapes grown on vines descended from the finest stock on Earth, then Chateau Huit is the perfect choice. You’ll love it. For any cheapskates out there, we have Wine 2.0 and our robots have next-gen pouring skills, but I’d advise you to wear dark clothing.
So we’ve created the dream table setup, you’ve got your premier cru wine, so what about the food? This is where the real magic happens. Sheena and her assistant chefs are highly trained in every type of cuisine. You pick what you want and we will upsell you to something you didn’t want, and I guarantee you will love it.
We got some criticism in Brightstar Magazine for our plate rental service, but I still maintain that it was unfair and we were misrepresented. But we listened, we took the comments on board, and I’m pleased to announce that we now provide the plates for free. (Please note, a small, non-refundable deposit is required for use of our cutlery. We do not allow you to bring your own except teaspoons because, well, teaspoons. Nobody knows where the fuck they all go.)
So the food is now served and it’s time for the toasts and then the drinking and dancing. Sheena and her staff are available and you will have almost exclusive use of our world-famous bar. Our ABBA-affiliated band will play your favourite songs, Sheena’s sweet voice serenading you while you dance the night away. If you’re really lucky, I may make a guest appearance on guitar! (Time permitting; additional cost applies.)
Then at 2 a.m. the lights go out and you all go home. Job done, wedding receptioned. Loitering not allowed.
Then it’s time for the staff to kick back and relax after a hard day’s work. I will count up the credits and manage the finances. Sheena will clear the tables and clean the bar and kitchen, and our robots will go back on charge.
We’re a dream team and it’s a real honour to lead it. Everyone plays an equal part in making our giddy bride’s dreams come true.
Last ritual of the day: Sheena makes me a delicious Margarita and I fall asleep at my desk as she gently massages the knots from my shoulders.
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Use code: FUCKUFRANCO to receive a discount on Club Gustav memberships. 25% of the proceeds will go to worthy causes, determined by me.